Do you find it hard to communicate your wants and needs without being too passive or too aggressive (or too passive-aggressive)? Is there someone in your life that is pushing your boundaries? Then this post is for you!
A few key points about Assertiveness:
Assertiveness recognizes that you are in charge of your own behaviour and that you have the right to decide what you will or will not do.
Assertiveness also works both ways, recognizing that others are in charge of their own behaviour and have a right to decide what they will or will not do.
Assertiveness recognizes everyone’s right to choose their own opinions, how they behave, what they agree to, and what their boundaries are.
Assertiveness can help us maintain control over our lives while allowing us to engage with others in a way that is honest and authentic to ourselves and our values.
Sounds pretty good right?
Be sure to remember that Assertiveness is NOT:
Being aggressive: Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. While aggressive communication aims to gain control over others through intimidation, being assertive recognizes everyone’s right to control their own actions.
Being inconsiderate: Being assertive does not mean we don’t take other’s wishes, feelings, or expectations into account. Being assertive means we are able to listen to other’s desires, however we recognize that it is ultimately our choice whether we agree to them or not.
A quick change: Implementing assertive communication is not always a fast or easy process. Assertive communication often goes against our typical communication habits or even against what we were taught is the “right” or “polite” way to behave.
Try this simple script for making a request in an Assertive way:
DESO (Describe, Express, Specify, Outcome)
Describe: This is where you clearly explain the situation before you make your request. For example, “I’ve noticed that dirty dishes have been frequently left in the sink.”
Express: This is where you express how you are feeling about the situation. It can be useful to start with an “I feel…” statement and try to stay reasonably calm when conveying this message. For example, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately as I feel I’ve been completing the majority of the housework.”
Specify: This is where you make your request of what exactly you would like to happen in a clear and brief manner. For example, “I would appreciate if you put the dishes into the dishwasher or wash them rather than leaving them into the sink.”
Outcome: This final step is where you state the specific outcome you think will occur if the person does or does not go along with your request. Depending on the context and the request, the outcome may be regarding how you may feel, specific results of the situation, or involve a reward or punishment. For example, “If that gets done, I think I’ll feel much less overwhelmed.”
Our Occupational Therapists are all experienced in providing step-by-step support for developing assertive communication skills, no matter your age, gender, ethnicity or background, this is an effective tool for all to learn. Our OT's can help identify what style of communication you are more inclined to use, and engage in role-play scenarios specific to our client's lives and provide coaching in real-life situations to maximize success with developing assertiveness skills. Get in touch today to work with an OT in: Vancouver, Burnaby, Squamish, Sechelt or Kamloops!
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